I know we haven’t talked in a while I know I haven’t seen you wear your soft smile We’ve said things to each other we didn’t mean Tearing and splitting the vital seams Of the fabric of our togetherness I know that I have felt desolate, helpless We have sat in silence, cold as frost The glow of our closeness long since lost Somewhere along life’s bewildering way I let your warm hand slip away
I know we haven’t talked in a while I know I haven’t seen you wear your gentle smile
Through the years we have journeyed on Along the same path but each on our own Forged by our children, we treaded their dreams Only seeing shadows of you and me Still together we walked into middle age But it’s been a while since I really saw your face It’s been a few years since the air around Was filled with your familiar scent and your sound Somewhere, somehow I lost the quickening string That bound us together through thick and through thin
I know we haven’t talked in a while I know I haven’t seen you wear your lovely smile
But I know you’re still here, your pulse still beats warm Even as we’ve both whipped up raging storms They’ve whirled inside, while we’ve pulled away The terrible loneliness adding to the fray I know that we are distances apart But I can still feel you in the depths of my heart Let me find you once again in the mists Of sepia memories, reminiscences Let me hold your hand as I once did before Let us walk together, in step once more
I lost sight of you, dearest for a while Let me love you again, let me make you smile.
When life gets hard as it sometimes does When the weight of the world is pulling you down When you want to hide in the depths of your bed When you don’t want your feet to touch solid ground
When you want to close your eyes and just disappear And hope that in some dimensional shift You can escape the world that surrounds you here That you can find the cosmic ether that fits
When you have to part your hesitant lids And the effort is excruciating, difficult When despite your aching, your most ardent yen There’s no secret exit, no miracle
When you bring your hand up to your sleep-shrouded face When you glance accusingly at the lines When you wonder if ever they would become Prophets, purveyors of better times
When you finally rise and breathe deeply in When you feel the pulse of your blood again When the vestigial coolness of your room Brushes up familiarly against your warm skin
Then know that although the odds are stacked Up sky high, crushing, overwhelming That the universe still holds you close to her breast That there are still songs that she will sing
So when life gets hard as it sometimes does When your heavy heart has robbed you of your smile Slow down, pull back from the rush of life Dearest one, take the road less travelled for a while.
There’s a face in the shadows Downcast, serene A quiet glow drapes The rest of her As she sits cross-legged On the floor She holds the cosmos in her prayerful hands I want to see the face so full of quiet grace I want to understand Where the woman gets Her stillness from I tilt my head to see More clearly And then two shimmering orbs Rise from under their lidded veils I hold my breath I’m no longer Watching from the outside in I float I glide out of the place I’m light as a feather I rise up there’s no tether To time and space To anything I have ever known I float on And I drop The sharp edged angst that I had held In my chest and in my head And it falls Away from me I stretch out my arms I rise and rise Into the infinity Of those glimmering eyes Through twin portals To my paradise.
The thing with moments Is that they never stay Vaporous, ethereal They alight and fly away They come upon us On gossamer whispery wings Or rush with such force That you’re left reeling The breath knocked out of you And then they’re gone Or they cloak you silently So imperceptibly Like the lengthening shadows Of eventide That you realize That they were there Only after they have quietly Melted into yesterday’s dawn
The thing with moments Is that they never last Always on nimble feet They are fleeting pin pricks upon your skin A quick rush of warmth within The lungs for a moment collapsing A vanishing scene The stuff of dreams Always receding But not before leaving Their forever tattoos In reds, yellows and blues A kiss, a hug, a bruise Eternal imprints on the heart Emotional ink Permanent, piercing Sunk deeply in By the wraiths and ghosts Of moments past.
My thoughts sometimes Become like rebellious kids They dart about my head Swarm into my hippocampus Making me sweat I race after them Calling to them But they don’t heed me They’re chimerical beings Elves and pixies and aliens Coins and marbles and peeling paint A stubbed toe, a tired saint A fierce cupid on a fountain Rose bushes that run riot And then I just lose sight Of them at all I hear the silence Numbing, thrumming, sometimes strumming Through my brain
Then I see them again They’re out on the streets They’ve run free, leaving me behind They’ve escaped the prison of my mind I watch them from afar Tumbling around Laughing, skipping, rumbling around Moaning, groaning, fumbling around Far away from me I’m featherlight now I float above them Like I’m dead The leaden weight of life Has dropped I watch it tumble with my thoughts Rumble, tumble, sometimes stumble In its frantic vitality
I’m timeless, sadless, gladless now E m p t y I float away In a silent conspiracy Of air and nothingness.
Dappled sunlight Upon my skin Warm, streaming motes Kiss my neck My arms, my face Whispering sweet nothings Caressing, comforting My shoulders drop The weight of the world That sits on them Like twin rocks I’m no longer Atlas Holding up the sky Shivering In its storminess Legs quivering Under its burden of sighs And tears and loss For now It has all melted away The coldness, the heaviness, the grey For now There is only a quiet joy A rainbow sprinkling Of dappled sunlight Upon my skin Thawing me, warming me From within.
Are you ready? said he softly I was sitting and watching tv For what? I asked full well knowing The implications of that simple question
For your journey onwards from here He said quietly in my ear I stared ahead, I couldn’t look Into eyes that held the whole cosmos
I still have things to do I said Even as my heart filled with dread I still have dreams and wishes said I Even as I felt my mouth go dry
He waited watching me silently His shadow was now a part of me I took a breath and looked at him His eyes looked back serene, glowing
I cried, I am afraid to leave Even if I have always believed That one day I must walk away Wrapped in death’s final embrace
But that faith has always surrounded me On the outside, while inside of me Has grown a choking, gnawing terror Of the day that you would appear
He took my hand and held it fast My hand in his we touched my heart The blue-gray fear that sat in there Evaporated into the air
I felt my soul for the first time Floating, thrumming, humming inside I smiled even as the tears flowed Silver, sparkling, love-hallowed
I laughed, I cried, I laughed again Life was beautiful even at the end I loosened the strings bound to the past And closed my eyes as I breathed my last.
My book SHIMMERING SCRAPS OF POETRY AND MADNESS is now available at the following locations:
SRI LANKA: - THE BAREFOOT BOOKSTORE - THE JAM FRUIT TREE BOOKSTORE - PENDI - SARSASAVI BOOKSTORES - EXPOGRAPHICS
PAKISTAN: - LIBERTY BOOKS - PARAMOUNT BOOKS - READINGS
ABOUT THE BOOK:
The book is a collection of poems and essays, and as the name suggests, the contents of the 243 pages range from the sublime to the ridiculous; from soaring on the wings of ecstacy to struggling with overwhelming despair; from the capricious joys of matrimony to the dubious delights of singledom; from the profound ecstasy in a mug of steaming latte to the ardent disappointment in a less than perfectly brewed cup of tea; from the comedic to the somber and from the customary to the controversial, this collection of poems and features encompasses them all, and like a sore-throated bulbul (who also has some clear-voice days) I have sung them all for you.
It is with great excitement and pleasure that I introduce my second book for the grownups – my book of poetry and essays titled SHIMMERING SCRAPS OF POETRY AND MADNESS. The book will be available across bookstores in Pakistan and Sri Lanka at the end of December 2022. Friends in SL can currently order it from the Jam Fruit Tree bookstore on Galle Road via call/WhatsApp to 072-7268078.
ABOUT THE BOOK:
This is a collection of poems and essays, humble opinions, rumblings of the heart about the joys, the truths, the pain, the controversies, the funniness and the wonder that criss cross all our lives in one way or another. I have compiled them here because too many times, we are witnesses to profound beauty, love, dreams, desolation, prejudice and injustice and yet, we forget.
The contents of these pages range from the sublime to the ridiculous; from soaring on the wings of ecstacy to struggling with overwhelming despair; from the capricious joys of matrimony to the dubious delights of singledom; from the profound ecstasy in a mug of steaming latte to the ardent disappointment in a less than perfectly brewed cup of tea; from the comedic to the somber and from the customary to the controversial, this collection of poems and features encompasses them all.
Scraps of Poetry and Madness is a phrase borrowed from that literary Wonder Woman, Virginia Woolfe. For in this collection too, there is a stream of raw and strident, passive and ruminative, joyous and grief-bound, mad and glad thoughts that run like a melody through the entirety of its spine; and like a sore-throated bulbul (who also has some good-voice days) I have sung them all for my readers.
Do you sometimes ask yourself if you’re alright Do the burdens of life come down hard on your joy Do all the schemes of gladness that you deploy Seem bound to falter, sink with the sun Making you despair, come undone Do you sometimes wonder if you’ll ever be alright?
Do you sometimes worry if you’re alright If you’re treating your body like it was meant More like a temple, less like a tent Does it respond with resilience and grace Does it show up as a gentle glow on your face Can you smile and say that you’re alright?
Do you sometimes brood about being alright If the crimson, beating, streaming path From your rationalizing mind to your ruminating heart Is clear and bright and lit up with calm Where thoughts and memories are like comforting balm Do you feel your spirit lift because you’re alright?
Do you feel your atoms dance, your heart sing Then soften to a gentle, constant hum again Do you feel your blood flow in passionate storms And then settle into tranquil crests and falls Do you sometimes in your moments of quiet Feel a gratitude because you’re alright?
I hope that when you lie in your bed at night On the cusp of sleep, with your guard down When your truth shines unfettered, unbound That with your eyes closed you can look within And hear it in every fibre of your being I’m alive, I’m still here, I am alright.
Mahvash Mohtadullah 