I feel a rage It’s not the flaming, blazing kind Nor is it the hating kind It’s disappointment mixed with hurt A betrayal mixed with cheerlessness It’s a whipping, bruising buffeting It’s a faded, jaded trustfulness It’s a crashing and a burning Without smoke, without fire It’s the turning into ash Of something held so close Of something tender and so dear Of a precious, precious thing Of a pearl old as the years.
I feel a rage But in its manifestation There is no acid hotness Only a painful heaviness That sits mostly in my throat Huddled there, straining to emerge In tears or in words I’m capable of neither. Even as it squeezes me Choking, asphyxiating me In its throttling stranglehold I’m hoping for some peace and grace Hoping even in the throes Of this weary, bleary rage.
It is feeling like the world has overcome You body and soul and then some It’s like drowning in a bottomless sea Gasping, gasping, trying to breathe Sputtering, choking reaching for air Crashing, thrashing limbs everywhere; It’s feeling the whole world closing in Vision blurring, darkness descending. It’s being sure that many endings are near: Of wanting, of living and even of fear; It’s feeling the numbness spread like a pall Binding you, blinding you even as you fall Into the swirling, whirling abyss Of dead emotions; of nothingness.
It’s finally seeing the smallest of gleams Picking the darkness at its hoary seams Little by little the flicker grows bright Ever so slowly it pierces the night. Your leaden heart too warms in the heat Resuming its vital, pulsating beat; You rise to the surface on a rip tide You’re thawing and warming on the inside. You break the surface of your despair As your throttled lungs fill up with air; Gasping, gasping you take in a breath Sputtering and choking you hold on to the thread Of the world coming back within reach; Hope on strong wings, has ended the siege
She gathers you up in her healing arms Anointing you with her soothing balms Freeing you, steeling you so that you may walk Another day with strength and love in your heart.
They say with some frivolity that we humans Are nothing more than cucumbers with emotion. Even in this bizarre drollery There is some existential irony As we go from one diet to the next; One new year’s resolution to the next; One promise of commitment to another; One version of truth to another; One moral compass point to the next; One exhausted ideology to the next … Always yearning, needing and wanting; Promoting, demoting, hiding and flaunting; Also faltering, crumbling, momentarily falling; Then rising and moving, stoically persevering; But ever Hoping; always enduring To become ever better; to build something lasting. And so we continue to live on our blue green planet, Perpetually watering 60% of our body weight; Unconsciously threading into the throb of Existence As it weaves its alchemy in the H2O continuance In and around us; into the grand scheme of things; Our emotions are there to remind us of this. So the next time you feel somewhat overwhelmed, Under the weather; emotionally spent; Take a deep breath, and remember ladies and gents. That we’re just watery green vegetables endowed with sentiment.
Mahvash Mohtadullah - The Roaming Desi 