Look at me… See me

I couldn’t.  Everywhere I looked, it was there, looming like a mountain, shivering with the bones and moans of people gone.  Rattling its presence constantly. I felt it reach desperate fingers through my veins, slowing my blood to a cold, desolate crawl.  Then, roaring through my ears in floods that threatened to rip through the corners of my eyes. My parched eyeballs burned until I couldn’t see.

See me …. Feel me

I couldn’t let myself feel its broken form. Jagged and sharp, it would cut through my flesh everytime I looked at it. No matter how fast I fled, it caught up and gripped me around my chest.  So tight, I couldnt breathe.  I gasped for air, taking in big choking gulps.  And then I ran again.  I ran and ran until I couldn’t feel. 

Feel me … Hold me

I couldn’t let it engulf my senses, to stir up memories that howled in my head. Its own throbbing soul pitched wretchedly inside its quivering tortured layers.  Layers upon layers of purple-grey.  Like bruises that just don’t heal. It kept hitting itself bruise upon bruise against the walls of my ribcage until every seam was tattooed with wounding inks.  Until it lay prone, ragged and torn.  I couldn’t look at it, I couldnt hold it. 

Look at me … See me … Feel me … Hold me

Hold me … Feel me … See me … Look at me

I looked at it then, and saw a face there, distorted with pain. So much pain. It was mine.
I saw it then, fold up its battered layers and quietly crawl into my heart
I felt it then, as it tenderly claimed my body, seeping into every atom of my being
I held it at last as it became whole, unbroken, divine. My grief finally belonged to me.