July has come round again Another birthday It’s been twelve whole years Since you went away A decade and two years it’s been And I want to tell you how these years Have touched me After you said your last goodbye
The first two were unhappy, desolate I had regular nightmares I’d go to sleep thinking of you And of those last few difficult days The ritual memory was oddly cathartic Even as it hurt, cutting deep Ripping my heart out every night Before I lay me down to some semblance of sleep
And then through some blessed interlacing Of our two realms you came to me in a dream You were well again You were whole and you were happy And I held your hands Even as you held mine We laughed with joy as we whirled around
And since then My broken heart has gently Laced its red-blue pieces together With gold and purple lines I now find you in visions and dreams That are more serene So real, that when I awake You are somehow still around A heartbeat away, an echo warm and sweet A lingering touch upon my cheek
I look at your picture on my phone My heartstrings wrap around your form It’s the next best thing to perfection In our world of love and loss And so here you are shimmering Lighting up my memories again Twinkling eyes smiling away Making me catch my breath As I whisper dearest, a happy birthday.
I resolved to write egged on By echo-braised recipes Of grating voices and bitter hearts And chopped up memories They tossed about inside my head Seize-sizzling, beet-bloody Of you is who I tried to write As bits of you fell in In-cisor cut, unholy messed Out and in of my sight I took my pen The scene was set I would write of pent up things Of audacious consequence But my pen lent itself more To gnawing contemplation A cooked-up imagination As it bickered in my mouth The words they just sat there Headless, fleshless, boneless, bare I chewed again upon the pen They leapt aloft and hovered then For a bit before they bit Me on my purposeful lip The drop of blood Drop.ped on my page There was no plot there was no stage There was no more righteous rage For them to come off eloquent And so I laid down the pen Let down my resolute bun Bun-dled off my peaceless pique Pick-ed all of myself up then Set free an ex-heal-ation I don’t think that I’ll try again.
My temples throb Like the devil has set up shop In their wefts of flesh and bone There he threshes His wheat and corn Brimstoned and fire shorn Screaming out his brutal song I’m enmeshed Tied inside my throbbing head Forced to see, ingest and feel The devilry Making me curse Making me keen In time to the pounding drum And the terrifying never-ending hum Of the devil’s threshing machine
I try to think Break out of the infernal links That tie me down inside my head My raging, aching, splitting head But the devil sings His strangely hypnotizing song And I stop Trying to slip Into my veins Away, away from the devil’s shop From that wretched, that exhausting pain And I stay The convulsions hold me in their sway Aaaa-gonizing me Beating, pulverizing me Crescendoing with my memories And I sit with my pounding head As the throb in my temples counts the dead.
A storm is unleashed In sheets upon sheets Of pouring rain In a cacophony Pounding the ears Pounding the earth For a while The storm becomes a part of me I listen … I hear a howl, a primal cry I’m agitated, it feels so familiar I still my breath … I know that voice I’ve heard it before Finding itself In a tropical downpour As the sky tore open its breast Pouring out its glutted greyness On my world that was floating upon Even tides of peace and rest I heard it then, the banshee scream It swelled upon the torrents that Came down in never ending sheets I heard it then as I hear it now That voice that is screaming inside me
Mahvash Mohtadullah 