The red roses were out In full bloom Riotous, cheerful, swaying in their beds Wearing their full petalled crowns on their heads I looked from afar Day after day As the roses danced and played In the not so far off distance Something was stopping me Something in my heart Was whispering, telling me that these flowers Were best adored from afar I listened and stayed away From that little paradise As it burgeoned with beauty Day after day But one morning when I came out to the garden I felt a lightness of being And so I strayed further afield To that joyful bed of red roses at play
There I looked at the perfect blooms Each one’s heart lay glistening in the sun The petals dancing in unison Around their pulsing cores And then I saw The soil below There strewn in little pools Of red, unravelled - unspooled Lay the fallen petals Fallen … resting … resting … fallen petals Some bruised, some new Some already a part of the earth As she hugged them close, each delicate edge Soaking back into her infinite depths The scene took my breath away Whisking me back to another day Full of bittersweet memories When I’d seen the same petals Strewn where you rested In earth’s boundless embrace.
We were talking About this and that The conversation meandering Sometimes off the beaten track Into more private realms Reticent spaces holding Secret reflections, introspection Ruminations that had rarely seen The light of day Hesitating, faltering, we walked along That path hewn on the cusp of right and wrong Where perplexing thoughts lay vulnerable, bare And then we heard the call to prayer
She rose with an alacrity borne of custom With velvety smooth liquid motions Like a babbling stream that has No more reason to be but because It can flow gliding in its bed of silt and stone She floated through the ritual Sure, secure in the discerning eyes Of her faithful world. On the outside She had done the needful, the right thing She came back to our conversation Her face shining with virtue, beneficence
But now the doors were closed To the questions that had peeked through The heavy, opaque veils of tradition and goodness Back they had sunk into the clenched depths From which they had inadvertently crept She looked at me with guarded eyes Lest I scratch that surface again Lest she forget what keeps her true and safe
I smiled and she smiled back at me “Have another cup of tea” She said bringing the conversation Back to the glittering streets Of the daily treads of teeming feet And I followed, leaving the track Lit up by mysterious stars and the soul-searching gleam Of the moon that now shone on our backs.
It is with great excitement and pleasure that I introduce my second book for the grownups – my book of poetry and essays titled SHIMMERING SCRAPS OF POETRY AND MADNESS. The book will be available across bookstores in Pakistan and Sri Lanka at the end of December 2022. Friends in SL can currently order it from the Jam Fruit Tree bookstore on Galle Road via call/WhatsApp to 072-7268078.
ABOUT THE BOOK:
This is a collection of poems and essays, humble opinions, rumblings of the heart about the joys, the truths, the pain, the controversies, the funniness and the wonder that criss cross all our lives in one way or another. I have compiled them here because too many times, we are witnesses to profound beauty, love, dreams, desolation, prejudice and injustice and yet, we forget.
The contents of these pages range from the sublime to the ridiculous; from soaring on the wings of ecstacy to struggling with overwhelming despair; from the capricious joys of matrimony to the dubious delights of singledom; from the profound ecstasy in a mug of steaming latte to the ardent disappointment in a less than perfectly brewed cup of tea; from the comedic to the somber and from the customary to the controversial, this collection of poems and features encompasses them all.
Scraps of Poetry and Madness is a phrase borrowed from that literary Wonder Woman, Virginia Woolfe. For in this collection too, there is a stream of raw and strident, passive and ruminative, joyous and grief-bound, mad and glad thoughts that run like a melody through the entirety of its spine; and like a sore-throated bulbul (who also has some good-voice days) I have sung them all for my readers.
This is for all those who have survived emotionally, mentally and physically abusive relationships. For those who have discovered the precious blessing of sleeping deeply, peacefully without being haunted by crippling anxiety and the renewed torture that every new day would inevitably bring in its wake.
I look at him Threatening, raging Berating me The cruel words sidling in Between his verbal pounding I recognise, I see His enterprise To humiliate me To agitate, to fluster me To intimidate To paralyze me. I’m going to leave you One of these days If you tell Anyone anywhere About any of this I swear I will make you into the beast The one unfit The one tearing down this relationship
I look at him Frozen in place My heart still I’m incapable Of seeing beyond My fear I’m incapable Of seeing anything Beyond the terrifying sacredness Of the union We signed together I’m incapable I’m powerless I’m numb All I hear is a hum A white noise in my head Autonomous, involuntary Humming humming humming Preserving for that time My sanity Maybe my life …
And then one day He followed through On all the threats That he had let loose Into the fabric Of our togetherness I’m l e a v i n g y o u He said, emotionless This time there was no Placating hum No cloaking thrum Inside of me Hiding me, shrouding me I looked at him Cold sweat gripping My face, my neck The insides of my thighs Dripping, dripping endlessly But my mouth was parched My lips were dry I felt like I was going to die
But I didn’t crumble In the wind Whirling in the murky Depths of things I survived I stayed alive That shared horizon Spilling blood Dirty linen streaked with mud Was washed into the sea Decaying into infinity A whole new realm had suddenly Stretched out in front of me Full of peace and gratefulness Gladness and serenity Where I was calm and I was whole I had my body and my soul There was no fear No agony No trauma filled spaces Beckoning me
Like Kafka’s Metamorphosis* In reverse I have broken through the curse No more thrashing, crashing heart Petrified and frozen limbs No more grim hellishness Of emotional poison stings Making me cry, making me cringe I’m still here. I’m here still My lungs now take in their fill My heart is beating rhythmically No suffocating anxiety Once more I hold the hand of the child That has lived in my soul all this while For her now Nothing is impossible.
* KAFKA’S METAMORPHOSIS: Metamorphosis is a novella written by Franz Kafka which was first published in 1915 and is considered one of his best works. The main themes revolve around the burden of responsibility, isolation and alienation, and sacrifice.
I look at the leaves Serrated edges, little flowers And I wonder About its identity The shrub growing under the amalthas* tree You would know You always knew As we walked in the street Outside the house You could name every flower And every tree Every creeper Even the sickness That gripped some of the leaves
You looked at these Concerned, everything else forgotten The fact that your own body Was racked with disease That ever-present pall softened By the enormity of your being Your own pain erased And at that time, in that moment I too forgot The wheelchair that you were in That you were ill; that we were grief stricken I dived right in, feeling, seeing You weaving magic around everyday things Flowers and trees grew chimerical wings
The swaying kachnar* The beskirted Ashokas* Bobbing profusions Of jasmine and phlox Fragrant bunches Of nargis* and freesias You pointed them out with happy ease And worried when any of these Were less than their perfect selves And I too smiled and looked In wonder At how joyfully you revelled in it all Holding infinity in your lit up face Offering up so much love and grace
And for those moments I too forgot The pain and the grief It was you and me Sadness free While you took me on ethereal trips Where nature in all her fullness Unfurled - beautiful, calming, brave We were carried away on a gentle wave The pitted leaves Still vital and green Were the only things we needed to save
Mahvash Mohtadullah 