Picture this: a young woman of 24 gathers the supreme courage to flee her abuser – her husband. Her father then cajoles her to return because his honour as a man is dependent on this young woman going right back to her abuser. She complies because social norms still far out-weigh the personal wellbeing of a woman. She returns to what she almost certainly knows is the end of a brutal road for her.
And sure enough, she is murdered.

The men put their blood-stained turbans back on their criminal heads, while #GullaanBharo is interred into the blessed earth. For the sane amongst us, Gullaan Bharo’s courage and grace is exponentially greater than the fickle honour that is carried around like a lodestone by all the men combined of her family.

So there she continues to sit, the Elephant in the room. Massive and present even as she shrinks into herself; even as everyone looks right through her. Why? Because it has become normalized to not acknowledge the appalling state that is the state of the average Pakistani woman. She is beaten/ flayed/ deprived and caged into submission. Even as we approach the middle of the 21st century and men send rockets to Mars, there are other men that continue to create entire realms of abuse within the 4 walls of their caveman fortresses on our very earth.

Every other day, we hear of unspeakable/ criminal abuse against a daughter, a sister, a wife and a mother. And now, even the transitory burst of outrage has disappeared as this bullying of one gender by the other has become normalized. Here are some statistics from Pakistan that we as the educated/ empowered/ forward-looking demographic that waxes thick on social media should at the very least, mull over.

• 40% of married women have experienced spousal physical, sexual, or emotional violence. Some reports suggest 70% to 90% of married women in specific regions (e.g., Punjab) have experienced abuse from their spouses.
• 86% of women reported at least one traumatic event.
• HONOUR KILLINGS: Thirteen women are reported murdered daily in the name of honour. It is important to note that almost 90% of cases do not get reported at all. So this statistic is exponentially higher.
• SEXUAL VIOLENCE: At least 11 rape cases are reported daily, with over 22,000 cases reported over six years. Again, this statistic is only the tip of the iceberg.
• CHILDHOOD TRAUMA: A study on rural mothers found that 58% experienced at least one Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE), commonly home violence (38%) or neglect (20%).
• CHILDBIRTH TRAUMA: A study in Sindh found that 97% of women reported at least one form of disrespectful or abusive behaviour during childbirth. 
• ECONOMIC INEQUALITY: Pakistan is ranked among the worst countries for women regarding economic participation and opportunity, which limits women’s autonomy and increases dependence on abusers.

Other interesting statistics:

• There is a 21% rate of abandonment if the wife falls terminally or seriously ill, compared to only 3% when the husband is the patient.
• 90% of single parents are women.
• 80% of organ donors are women. 80% of organ receivers are men.
• Rape Incidence: About 1 in 4 women (approx. 25%) has experienced rape or attempted rape in their lifetime.

I look at these indices and I feel numb – a self preservation tactic in a world that has become dismally imbalanced. We are floating so low at the bottom of the barrel that expecting any reforms in the manner of decisive legislation aimed at the wellbeing of women seems like a pipe dream. But speak we must, despite our anesthetic bubbles of privilege and security, hoping that somewhere, at some perfect inflection point, things will begin to change.

(I wrote the first part of this op-ed in September of 2020. You can read it here: https://theroamingdesi.org/2020/09/15/opinionthe-elephant-in-the-room/ )